A Parent Who Loves | A Parent Who Loves Too Much |
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Gives time, attention, and affection to the child and provides for his/her emotional and physical needs. | Enmeshes him/herself in the child's life and sees the child as an extension of him/herself. |
Is determined to be the best parent s/he can be, while recognizing that it's impossible to be perfect. | “Overparents” and overprotects the child in an effort to dispel anxiety over being a “good” parent or to make up for his/her own childhood. |
Accepts that the child has strengths and weaknesses. S/he provides a nonjudgmental atmosphere in which self-esteem is fostered. | Unconcsciously judges the child who can't live up to his/her rigid expectations. S/he does for the child, rather than with the child, fearing that the child will fail without her/his help. |
Encourages independence and growth while setting appropriate limits, thus providing a safe environment for the child to explore and promoting his autonomy. | Discourages the child's independence, seeks to control the child's thoughts, feelings, and actions, and unconsciously wishes to mold the child into the image of his/her highest expectations of him/herself. |
Communicates with the child in a direct, open, and honest way, creating an atmosphere of safety and trust. | Often creates insecurity and mistrust by communicating indirectly with the child, seeking, unconsciously, to manipulate or control. |
Listens to the child and gives out of a desire to meet the child's emotional or material needs. | Unconsciously gives to meet his/her own unmet desires and unfulfilled hope, with little regard to what the child truly needs. |
Encourages the child's internal strengths and qualities. | Is more concerned with externals and anxiously compares his/her child to others. |
If you're a parent who loves too much:
- Stop trying to be the perfect parent.
- Learn to accept and validate yourself daily.
- Reach out to others who can help.
- Develop your own network of support and healthy interests.
- Deactivate your automatic pilot, stop reacting.
- Learn to let go of control.
- If you are married, concentrate on developing a healthy marriage and family.
- Stop giving in.
- Uncover your unrealistic expectations.
- Learn to communicate effectively.
- Don't allow you child to exploit you.
- Take one step at a time.
Excerpts from When Parents Love Love Too Much by Laurie Ashner & Mitch Meyerson